The Magical Notepad

Don't ever get into religion... it will leave you fucked up like me.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:54:06 GMT

Let's just get to the brunt of things ok?
I'm rejecting God.
I don't want to, but I am.
If naturally feeling the urge to just throw away everything "God" and feeling repulsed and angry everytime I hear anything "God"... if that's rejecting God...

Then yeah, I am.

If only Sam could see me now.

Here, Now.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:43:44 GMT

A mute place.
Not an extremely horrible place.
A place that I can survive in.
But just survive.
A place that I can easilly smile in, smile to the people who need to be smiled to.
But when I'n honest in this place,
I am not happy.
It's a place of extreme isolation.
Constantly feeling like the outsider.
But not complaining, no one's fault.
I am surviving, anyhow.

Organised Religion

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:57:32 GMT

You know, I think I've woken up to orgainised religion.
I believe in Jesus my saviour... but no church these days ever do it right.
So i'm just fumbling blind towards Jesus, just hoping he'll catch me when I die.

You can tell me that I didn't give them enough chances.
You can tell me that I should have attended purely for God, rather than to just be around good people.
You can tell me that I'm over exaggerating, that I'm hating everyone who ever did me wrong, when they don't really deserve it.
They DO deserve it.
They DO need to know that what they did to me was wrong!

I KNOW what Jesus taught.
I KNOW how it was meant to be.
I KNOW what they're doing wrong.

I guess this was just my time to wake up to organised religion.
And what saddens me the most...

They don't even care whose gone.

The People Who Made Me

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 13:52:17 GMT

I have the best bloody parents in the world.
I would hate Mum to be a showy "Betty Crocker" house wife and I would hate Dad to be some money hungry politician.
I love how beautiful my parents are.
I love how they don't and never did follow the crowd.
I love Dad's pottering around with his different radical but unique projects that only he could think up.
I love Mum's baths and her cross stitch
They've given us nothing but love.
I just hope to be just like them.

Yeah Yeah...
I'm growing up.

Homosexuality.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:16:56 GMT

Until I see homosexuality hurting someone else, or hurting society...
Until then, it is ok.
Discrimination of any kind is appalling.
I am disgusted by discrimination.
Yeah Yeah, I believe in Jesus.
But truth be told...
My Jesus is different than yours.

PS: In case of confusion, I am straight
PPS: Now go watch the movie "Better than Chocolate" (you wont regret it)

Bec OUT.

Something from the bottom layers of my heart

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:44:40 GMT

Sometimes "I need you" is all it takes.
Sometimes dependence is it.

Love

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:47:07 GMT

I have the best man ever.

Back In The Light

Sun, 10 May 2009 11:55:03 GMT

I've got God back. I've got my passion back. He knows my heart. I will be ok.

Solid Truth

Sat, 09 May 2009 05:40:06 GMT

I'm starting to think that The Gospel, is the only solid truth in the bible.

Half In/Half Out

Fri, 08 May 2009 11:25:05 GMT

I've been a Christian for the past two years, basically since April 27 2007. All though really my whole life, I have been debating the big questions like "Who is God?" "Is He Real?" You know the questions I'm talking about.

When I first went to the church, I gradually became more and more reserved. Dressing modestly, not drinking, trying not to have sex... I was basically trying to live the Godly life but by living the "Godly" life, I didn't have a real life, you know, the fun awesome "let's go wild and party" life that I saw everyone else practice.
It's not easy being a Christian and see the majority of the population getting drunk, using drugs, having sex, etc.

In the beginning of the Summer that just passed, I was reunited with my old high school best friend who had been living in England for the past four years. She's a witch and my Christian friends have basically warned me against her. In the six or so months that she's been back I've been dabbling into things that let's just say the Church wouldn't be proud of me for.

I've been stealing, I've been drinking, I've been promiscuous and I even bummed a few smokes off Cat (the witch). I don't know if this new Anti-Christ behaviour is because of Cat's presence or not but my Christian friends definately believe that it is.

I'm kind of half in and half out about the whole thing. I have fun when I'm with Cat, I feel like I belong when I'm with Cat, more so than when I'm at church. When I go to the young adults program (Imprint) on Fridays I feel like I'm at a party where I know no one but the host. I do believe in God though and I feel an encounter with Him almost every time I worship at church. So yeah, maybe the social bit isn't the best but when we praise and worship I feel so elevated in such a pure and awesome natural high. That's the power of music I suppose.

So I'm going back to Church on Sunday week (this Sunday is Mother's Day) and my plan is to get reconnected into the church and find my passion again. My belief is, that I don't have to let go of Cat's friendship to be a good Christian and I don't need to be a bible basher to be Cat's friend. I know that God is with me in the form of my conscience and whenever I am struggling he is like an eternal compass leading me towards the light.

Rainbows & Butterflies

Tue, 05 May 2009 15:26:09 GMT

Life has been pretty sweet recently. I'm on top of assignments, I've got an income coming in, I'm half way through TAFE and I've found a nice boy to like and lo and behold he likes me too. I never would have thought of Madog and me together, considering we almost killed eachother several times in high school. It's kind of funny how these type of things work out.

I got a laptop :-) Oh how awesome it is not to have to share a computer wih siblings. Now all I'm waiting on is my ipod and wait for it... The Sims 3!!!

I've recently started talking to an old friend of mine, the good old Alex who really wants to be a girl and who I used to go out with. Oh how I remember pining over him when he broke up with me and thinking I would never go out with him. Now, I don't think I would ever touch that ugly mofo. Nah Lexie, you're alright.

So life has pretty much been rainbows and butterflies the last few months. Cat and I have been going on many adventures as you do when you're 19/20. I just hope that from here on in it only gets better because I'd be damned if I have to go through the same crap I went through in high school.

This was a rather useless and boring post.
An update anyhow... just the life of Beckie D.

Black Starry Sky

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:08:23 GMT

I want to be a star.
I want them to see me.
I want to be a lighthouse to people who just don't know the way.
But what is the way?
Where is the star in the sky, that those three men followed that night?
Did those men even exist at all?
Have I just been completely fooled?
I don't even know if I want the questions answered.
All I know is that I want to be a star.
I want to be a light, where there is darkness.
I want to lead them all in the right direction.
Whatever direction that is.

Four Things.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:48:47 GMT

God. I don't know who you are anymore.
Jesus. I don't really know you either.
Life. I'm starting to see you for what you really are.
Love. I'm ready to begin.

Vulnrability

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:48:44 GMT

There is God. An entity that represents pure love.
There is Jesus. The guy that God "sent down" as his "son" in human flesh.
There is the church. The community of people who believe in the two.

Then there's me, Beckie D.
Someone who found both God and Jesus, and thought she was loved by the church. But lately I've been slipping and no one in the community of Jesus lovers cares that I am slipping. They don't care! And Jesus taught them to care! Love thy neighbor. Blah Blah Blah.

It's total hypocrisy!

No one at church notices if I attend or not.
When I do attend, follow God and all that, they notice me just as much as if I wasn't there at all. Nobody gives a rat's ass about me at all.

And then there's my friends.
A small group of people from school who just recently I've started talking to.
They're not church goers. They're not "jesus freaks". In fact my best friend Cat is a witch.
They treat me with more love than all those church goers combined....

You hear that Kylee?
Do you???

A Small Cry.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 07:48:10 GMT

I started writing a book called "Thoughts of a Y Generation Christian (in the 21st Century)".

My aim was to spread the good news of the gospel to the entire world from the point of view of a young woman just trying to get by with this sitgma of "Bipolar Disorder" hanging ever so frustratingly over my head.
I'nm trying hard not to complain, but recently I've been suffering from an extremely toxic case of writer's block. I just can't put the pieces together at the moment. It's almost as though The Heavenly Father has given Satan the power to reign through my illness.

Oh. Help. Somebody. Please.

...But I love Crazy.

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 08:26:11 GMT

For those of you who don't know, I suffer from a mental illness called Bipolar Disorder. Another name for this is Manic Depression. The doctors came to this conclusion because during my adolescence I had (and still have to some degree) violent mood swings from depression to mania.
It interrupted my life all throughout my adolescence.
It made me angry and it made me bitter.

A very close friend of mine (Sam) wrote me a beautiful letter after I graduated from school, and in it he said God has a special plan for me.
And I totally believe that.
I totally believe my bipolar will end up being used for the better by the Glory of the Power of The Holy Trinity. (that's not me being manic)

I know I have a mental illness and I know that I am crazy.
But if I am crazy in this life, then so be it.
Onto the next life, with my best pal Jesus Christ.

Damn!!! I'm crazy.
But I love crazy.

What caffiene will do to me

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:51:57 GMT

There is no way i am getting to sleep anytime soon.
Somebody save me from my own pathetic boredome.
I am so sick of being a bum.
I have so got to change my life around.
I am so self centered.
I am so messed up.
Time to do some refining.

Mum and Dad

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:47:10 GMT

They keep my world secure. They stop me from falling.

People-Catcher

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 03:25:47 GMT

What I want in the whole wide world, is to catch people.

The Shack

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 12:44:29 GMT

I'm reading this awesome book at the moment called "The Shack". Mum bought it for me for Christmas.
It's so awesome. It goes into what the holy trinity really is, on a human level.
It's so hard to describe but whenever I get into the juicy bits- I feel like God is right there next to me.
It's a brilliant book.
I'd recommend it to anyone.

More revelations

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 10:24:42 GMT

Revelation (NIV)

7Look, he is coming with the clouds,
      and every eye will see him,
   even those who pierced him;
      and all the peoples of the earth will mourn because of him. So shall it be! Amen.

Yes, it's manipulation.
Manipulate me everday so that I'm more like you.

Who are you?
Perfection.

And that's it,
Seriously.

Bible Gateway

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 10:18:21 GMT

BibleGateway.com

Revelations (of all sorts)

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 10:17:14 GMT

Revelation 1 (New International Version)

Revelation 1

Prologue

1The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, 2who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. 3Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near.

One like a Son of Man

17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.

19"Write, therefore, what you have seen, what is now and what will take place later. 20The mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and of the seven golden lampstands is this: The seven stars are the angels^[c] of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches.

I believe it.
Do you?

Something borrowed, Something Blue

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 08:42:31 GMT

You can make love with the Lord. Men included.

You and I (Don't Ask)

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 07:41:01 GMT

Poser. Loser. Gone.
Words on my window, forever forgotten.
Needless to say, how I felt back then.
Will never forget all those feelings.
People shy. Camera friendly. Rotten.
Full stop's can't fill in my commas.
Hanging on the edge of everything I was back then.
It was less than twenty-four months. Life without friends.

Growing. Peaceful. Letters. Movies. Feel.
Avoiding all those songs I that I played, on the way to school.
Afraid of anything, resembling dramatic art.
As though drama in itself would trigger an arrow through my heart
I don't want to befriend her; girl with head bowed down and icy face
Yet, I need to reconcile with her to move on from this place.

Lover. Writer. Freedom Fighter. Suffer. Inky mess.
I ask you to erase this distance.
I ask you to be a little selfless.
You and I, there is talking to do.
You and I, make room for this movement.
Don't complain.
This place, is our home now.

The time will come when you will take your bow.